Kirk Herbstreit Reminds Viewers That He Was Once Quarterback for Ohio State

In what sources are describing to be another valiant attempt to prove his credibility, on Saturday morning Kirk Herbstreit reiterated to ESPN College Gameday viewers that at one point in his life he was quarterback for the Ohio State University Buckeyes.

“It’s situations like these that remind me of playing Michigan in the Big House and completing 28 passes for 271 yards in 1992,” Herbstreit said after an early first quarter touchback in a 0-0 game between Texas and Oklahoma.

            Moments later, after Texas quarterback Colt McCoy was forced to throw the ball away, Mr. Herbstreit drew another connection to his playing days.

            “You know, when I played quarterback for THE Ohio State Buckeyes, I was team captain and was voted MVP by my teammates, so I completely respect Colt's decision to throw it away here,” Herbstreit said to millions of viewers who all simultaneously rolled their eyes and buried their hands in their face.

            An inside source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity out of fear of retaliation from Herbstreit, said that during the following commercial break Herbstreit darted out of the commentator’s booth, found producer Justin Graves and begged Graves to put up a picture of him paying for the Buckeyes in the 90s.

            When Graves informed the ESPN analyst that no one had a picture of him playing football, Mr. Herbstreit became visibly agitated and began furiously patting himself down.

            ‘Keys… KEYS!” Mr. Herbstreit said. “Where the fuck are my keys?”

            The long time commentator located his keys, which were in his front pocket, and frantically started out of the producer’s booth.

            “I’ve got some great shots in my trunk!" Herbstreit called behind him as he knocked over several pieces of production equipment. "Make sure Lee (Corso) keeps talking about me while I’m gone, I don’t want this picture to feel forced when we put it up!”  

            Four and a half minutes later Mr. Herbstreit was back on the air lightly panting as fellow ESPN analysts and commentators Lee Corso and Chris Fowler took playful jabs at Herbstreit for his “silly” 90s hairdo.            

            Herbstreit feigned embarrassment and coyly asked, “What vault did you guys find that one in?”

Recent College Graduate Requests Bailout From Parents

After failing to secure a job for 2 consecutive months, recent University of Iowa graduate Wilt Browney confessed to his parents on Thursday that irresponsible investment banking firms and the sub-prime mortgage crises had left him bankrupt and unemployed. 

“Wall Street is really hitting main street hard dad. At first I thought it was something that I was doing wrong but now I know that I have no control over this. No one does.  And that’s why I need you to pay my rent again,” Browney told his father Frank Browney in between sets of Mario Cart on his Nintendo Wii.

Browney, who majored in music and has no knowledge of finance or “banking stuff” remains absolutely positive that his unemployment is anyone’s fault but his own. Furthermore, with dilapidating funds and the end of the month rapidly approaching, Browney sees no alternative but to call upon his parents to bail him out.

 “As much as it pains me to say this for a third consecutive month, I see no other solution to my financial crisis other than another parental bailout,” Browney told his father over the phone.

“Last week I applied to three different places. Three! And I still haven’t heard back from any of them,” Browney continued as he switched from Mario Cart to Super Dodgeball. “It’s not easy like it was for you in the seventies. You guys had a great economy. I mean think about what I’m dealing with here, the government has to pay for banks and stuff. Not to mention that you’ve got to think about the Lehman Brothers and Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and all those guys. This was a long time coming dad. I need $1500.”

News of Browney’s financial woes has left an extremely divided Browney household. Jane Browney, Wilt Browney’s mother, has – to Frank Browney’s dismay - yet again called for an unconditional bailout. In a statement released on Friday at a mom’s luncheon Mrs. Browney candidly expressed her pro-bailout sentiment.

“Wilt is just a silly young adult who can’t lock down a job,” Mrs. Browney said as she sipped a mimosa. “His father is simply being over dramatic. Frank has the money, I don’t know what the problem is.”

Meanwhile, in between faxing reports to Denver, Frank Browney stopped off at Steve and Bill’s cubicle to hold a last minute summit in hopes of somehow devising a responsible bailout plan. Oversight and “God Damnit Wilt” were the overarching themes of the brief gathering.

“Spending $80 at McQueen’s is not responsible spending. God damnit Wilt,“ Mr. Browney said through gritted teeth. “There is no way I am just going to give him a blank check. He is out of control. I need to know what he’s buying and when he’s buying it. Oversight. I need oversight, you know?”

The summit came to an unsettling close as Bill attempted to draw several parallels between Wilt’s financial woes and his 11-year-old son Darrell’s shortcomings in little league baseball.

Sources report that another vote will take place in the Browney household on Sunday, just one day before rent and utilities are due for Mr. Browney.  Browney has repeatedly told his parents that indecision would just make matters worse and, furthermore, would be devastating to his bank account. Browney maintains that if a bailout doesn’t come soon his rent will be late and he could suffer additional losses if his landlord decides to charge him the late fee.

“We could spend all day pointing fingers at me for my irresponsibility,” Browney told the pizza deliveryman as he handed over more of his father’s money. “But at the end of the day if my dad doesn’t suck it up and bail me out there is a serious possibility that I won’t be able to go out at all next weekend. Not even Saturday. I can’t express how upset that makes me.”

As if Browney hadn’t experienced enough troubles, late Friday the young man endured what sources are describing as an “earth shattering” loss to an eight-year-old girl from Nebraska in a heated game of Super Dodgeball, sparking Browney to express empathy for Americans during the great depression.

“I now get how bad it was during the great depression, because Wilt Browney is now in a great depression,” Browney told the bar tender at McQueen’s. “Regardless of the outcome, I think it’s safe to say that I’ve learned a lot. If you play Super Dodgeball when something else is on your mind, the odds of failure raise exponentially.”

Saddened by the situation, Browney left McQueen’s to go re-watch Wedding Crashers on the plasma he got for Christmas in hopes that it would put him in a better mood.

“All I can do now is wait and hope that my parents will make the responsible decision.”

Dueling Banjos leave Three Dead, Hundreds Wounded

Fearful Camper ‘Really Can’t Do This, Stop trying to kill me’

Balcones, TX - This Monday 11 year old camper Katy Sials of bunk four came face to face with death atop the launching deck of Camp Tatonka’s newest attraction, a zip line which spans 50 feet across Tatonka Canyon.

After climbing on to the ten-foot platform Sials immediately realized that she no longer wanted to take part in the camp’s most recent “death trap.” Upon examining what Sials described as “the not strong enough looking cables” and the “scary rocks” below, the young camper recognized that if she were to go down the zip line it would surely be the last thing she would ever experience, as she would most certainly die.

For minutes Sials anxiously pleaded to be let down, citing fear and “I didn’t know it would be this high please just let me come down I really don’t like this,” as reason for her sudden change of heart.

Senior counselor Stacey Wilkerson of bunk four attempted to calm Sials into riding the zip line by letting the girl know how much she believed in her. However the encouraging words turned to frustration as Sials became convinced that the camp was trying to kill her.

“Come on Katy Bee! Katy, I promise that no one wants to see you hurt. The zip line is a lot of fun. I promise! You can do this we all believe in you! I swear to God it’s safe! KATY! Don’t say things like that! Katy stop it, you’re scaring the other campers! GOD DAMNIT KATY, NO ONE WANTS YOU DEAD!”

Sources close to Sials reported that it wasn’t until Wilkerson was so insistent on her going down the zip line that Sials began to believe that the camp was, in fact, trying to kill her.

“At first Katy said that she just didn’t want to go down the zip line because it didn’t look safe, but when Stacey told her all that stuff she realized that the only possible explanation was that Stacey and maybe even the rest of the camp were trying to kill her,” Sials’ bunkmate, Jenny Lewis said.

Around minute five of the standoff Wilkerson conceded to Sials’ demands and allowed her to come down. It took Wilkerson and three other counselors to retain Sials’ flailing when she touched ground.

“They’re taking me to the rifle range to finish me off! Someone help me! The rope swing, the blob, the climbing wall and now a zip line, they’re all here to kill you! It’s not too late for you! Ruuuun!” Sials shrieked as she was dragged away. The young girl was last seen looking to the sky, screaming Hail Maries while staffers pulled her into the main building.

Camp officials are reporting that Sials has been diagnosed with extreme exhaustion and a severe yearning for her parents. She was admitted to the infirmary where she will remain until her parents come pick her up tomorrow.

Reports indicate that Sials has suffered with bouts of death related paranoia all her childhood life. In 2006 during a family road trip to a recreational water park, young Sials reportedly refused to re-enter her father’s sedan, convinced that the gas attendant had cut the brakes and rigged the car to explode upon ignition.